Jochen Lüders

Englisch & Sport am Gymnasium ... und ein bisschen Tango

Ready to Have Children?

Den fol­gen­den Text habe ich Andre­as Büsing (Vater von FÜNF Kin­dern!) bekom­men. Als Vater von immer­hin drei Kin­dern fin­de ich ihn natür­lich beson­ders amü­sant.

Fol­low the­se 14 simp­le tests befo­re you deci­de to have child­ren:

Test 1

Women: to pre­pa­re for mater­ni­ty, put on a dres­sing gown and stick a bean­bag down the front. Lea­ve it the­re for 9 mon­ths. After 9 mon­ths remo­ve 10% of the beans.

Men: to pre­pa­re for pater­ni­ty, go to a local che­mist, tip the con­tents of your wal­let onto the coun­ter and tell the phar­macist to help him­s­elf. Then go to the super­mar­ket. Arran­ge to have your sala­ry paid direc­t­ly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the news­pa­per and read it for the last time.

Test 2

Find a coup­le who are alrea­dy par­ents and bera­te them about their methods of disci­pli­ne, lack of pati­ence, appal­lin­gly low tole­ran­ce levels and how they have allo­wed their child­ren to run wild. Sug­gest ways in which they might impro­ve their child’s slee­ping habits, toi­let trai­ning, table man­ners and over­all beha­viour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the ans­wers.

Test 3

To dis­co­ver how the nights will feel:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm car­ry­ing a wet bag weig­hing appro­xi­mate­ly 4 – 6kg, with a radio tur­ned to sta­tic (or some other obnoxious sound) play­ing loud­ly.

2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for mid­ni­ght and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.

4. Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

6. Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10. Make bre­ak­fast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheer­ful.

Test 4

Dres­sing small child­ren is not as easy as it seems:

1. Buy a live octo­pus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octo­pus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

3. Time allo­wed for this: all morning.

Test 5

For­get the BMW and buy a prac­ti­cal 5 door wagon. And don’t think that you can lea­ve it out on the dri­ve­way spot­less and shi­ning. Fami­ly cars don’t look like that.

1. Buy a cho­co­la­te ice cream cone and put it in the glove com­part­ment.

2. Lea­ve it the­re.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the cd play­er.

4. Take a fami­ly size packet of cho­co­la­te bis­cuits; mash them into the back seat.

5. Run a gar­den rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6

Get rea­dy to go out

1. Wait

2. Go out the front door

3. Come back in again

4. Go out

5. Come back in again

6. Go out again

7. Walk down the front path

8. Walk back up it

9. Walk down it again

10. Walk very slow­ly down the road for five minu­tes.

11. Stop, inspect minu­te­ly and ask at least 6 ques­ti­ons about every pie­ce of used chewing gum, dir­ty tis­sue and dead insect along the way.

12. Retrace your steps

13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neigh­bours come out and sta­re at you.

14. Give up and go back into the house.

15. You are now just about rea­dy to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat ever­ything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8

Go to the local super­mar­ket. Take with you the nea­rest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excel­lent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks gro­ce­ries wit­hout let­ting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for ever­ything the goat eats or des­troys. Until you can easi­ly accom­plish this, do not even con­tem­pla­te having child­ren.

Test 9

1. Hol­low out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Sus­pend the melon from the cei­ling and swing it side to side

4. Now get a bowl of sog­gy corn­flakes and attempt to spoon them into the sway­ing melon while pre­ten­ding to be an aero­pla­ne.

5. Con­ti­nue until half the corn­flakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

7. You are now rea­dy to feed a 12-month old child.

Test 10

Learn the names of every cha­rac­ter from the Wig­gles, Bar­ney, Dora and Bob the Buil­der. Watch not­hing else on tele­vi­si­on for at least 5 years.

Test 11

Can you stand the mess child­ren make? To find out:

1. Sme­ar pea­nut but­ter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a fish behind the ste­reo and lea­ve it the­re all sum­mer.

3. Stick your fin­gers in the flower beds and then rub them on clean walls.

4. Cover the stains with cray­on.

How does that look?

Test 12

Make a record­ing of someo­ne shou­ting „Mum­my“ repeated­ly. Important: no more than a 4 second delay bet­ween each Mum­my – occa­sio­nal cre­scen­do to the level of a super­so­nic jet if requi­red. Play this tape in your car, ever­y­whe­re you go for the next 4 years. You are now rea­dy to take a long trip with a todd­ler.

Test 13

Start tal­king to an adult of your chio­ce. Have someo­ne else con­ti­nu­al­ly tug on your shirt hem or shirt slee­ve while play­ing the Mum­my tape listed above. You are now rea­dy to have a con­ver­sa­ti­on with an adult while the­re is a child in the room.

Test 14

Put on your finest work atti­re. Pick a day on which you have an important mee­ting.


1. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it.

2. Stir.

3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt.

4. Satu­ra­te a towel with the other half of the mix­tu­re.

5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same satu­ra­ted towel.

6. Do not chan­ge, you have no time.

7. Go direc­t­ly to work.

You are now rea­dy to have kids.


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  1. Andrea

    Dan­ke für die­sen wun­der­ba­ren Text.

    Als Mut­ter von (Gott sei Dank mitt­ler­wei­le) 15-jäh­ri­gen Zwil­lings­jungs habe ich über eini­ges wirk­lich herz­lich lachen kön­nen – weil es so wahr ist!
    Als mei­ne bei­den 3 wur­den, habe ich das Refe­ren­da­ri­at begon­nen … und es als die reins­te Ent­span­nung emp­fun­den.

    Aber Hand aufs Herz, mis­sen möch­ten wir doch unse­re Kin­der alle nicht, oder?

    Herz­li­che Grü­ße,

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